Oh Blog, how I forget about thee...

What can I say? Rather than hear that I'm lounging at home writing about the most inane topics, wouldn't you rather hear that I'm leading such a busy and fulfilling life that I don't have time to blog to you fools? For all the lovelies that do wish I had more time, I'm going to share with you an old story that is still priceless:

The story is freaking ridiculous (and long!) Prepare yourself.

On Sunday evenings, especially during the summer, I like to trick myself into thinking that it's still the weekend, when in fact we all know the death of the work week looms. You gotta mix it up and keep things loose and unpredictable. You gotta kick that Sunday night feeling and say, I don't need you Teri Hatcher! I can stay at home, cook soup and watch Desperate Housewives on Monday! Or Tuesday, if we're getting feisty.

There are a number of ways to make those weekend feelings last longer: sometimes I'll meet friends for dinner and encourage them to mix hard liquor with prescription meds (pills are always good for you - don't pay attention to those insurance lobbyists trying to take away our fun). I love to go on carefree walks through the city, soaking in that crisp air, chasing rabid squirrels and throwing myself in front of speeding taxis. Homeless hunting is always fun too. But, most of the time, I like to go to the old fashioned picture show and see what those crazy liberals in Hollywood are cranking out. One such Sunday evening, I went to see a lovely movie at BAM - by far my one of my favorite theatres in the city, despite the fact they carry Pepsi products (sorry Molly). You see, the brand of soft drink carried by a theatre is important to me. I will determine which movie theatre to frequent based solely on this criterion. When the Angelika on Houston switched from Pepsi to Coke, you couldn't have understood my joy! And, I'll have you know, since they switched I've increased my attendance at the Angelika threefold. It may be my favorite movie theatre in the city for this very reason... actually, I know it's not. How can I take a movie theatre seriously when two out of three soap dispensers in the men's bathroom never have soap in them? (Try it, I dare you. The one closest to the door always has soap... too bad I can't say the same about the other two.) This has been a major digression... wow.

After the movie, I took a leisurely trip to a neighboring Fort Greene market. Sometimes I compulsively shop for groceries when I'm in a good mood. It's a bit of a sickness. I like to shop for an odd mix of practical things that I regularly use (milk, eggs, bread) and novelty items that I usually regret (raspberry-flavored licorice comes to mind... it's not as good as it sounds). On this particular evening I bought my staples (mostly cereals in assorted varieties - hey, I'm a single man) and a big bunch of flowers (cough. a single GAY man).

Off to the subway I went. The C train stop in Fort Greene happens to have grates at street level so you can hear when a train is approaching (a blessing and a curse). This particular evening I could hear the train arriving just as I was entering the station. I decided to make a run for it. The train doors opened as I swiped through the turnstile. I ran through the gate and flew down the stairs. It was a mad dash to the train but, I made it. There were open seats on the train but, since I was only riding for two stops, I stood.

The doors closed shut and pretty much immediately, before we even start moving, a skinny, kinda skanky, young black girl sitting among her friends makes eyes at me and says in serious, low voice, "I found mine." I ignored her. I had no reason to believe she was talking about me. What in the world could I have to do with this? I returned back to my thoughts. Little did I know that this crazy was referring to me. That is, I didn't know until she started singing, in a very full voice, the lyrics from Beyonce's Dangerously in Love directly to me. For those uninitiated to these oh so subtle lyrics, here they are:

I love you, I love you, I love you...(this goes on for awhile) Baby I love you. You are my life. My happiest moments weren't complete if you weren't by my side. You're my relation. In connection to the sun. With you next to me there's no darkness I can't overcome. You are my raindrop. I am the sea. With you and God, who's my sunlight I bloom and grow so beautifully. Baby, I'm so proud. So proud to be your girl. You make the confusion. Go all away. From this cold and messed up world.

She's staring at me, gesturing towards me, acting out the whole song with arm movements, dance moves, this girl had obviously practiced this a few times in the mirror... but, I ignore her and just avoid eye contact. Naturally, this is unacceptable to her, so she stands up and begins circling me! She begins dancing around me, touching me and even trying to take my flowers away (I didn't oblige - I wasn't giving away my flowers)! Now she's got crazy Beyonce eyes and is really singing the song with a lot of voice:

I am in love with you! You set me free! I can't do this thing called life without you here with me! Cause I'm Dangerously In Love with you! I'll never leave! Just keep lovin' me! The way I love you loving me!

I was so embarrassed. Everyone on the train is staring at us, people are laughing, some almost in tears over this. Thankfully, my stop is coming up next and I begin to move away from her and stand near the door. She was totally unrelenting. Not only did she follow me to the door, prancing and glaring like a matador, but she interpreted my attempted escape as some additional challenge. She stepped in front of me and blocked the door way. By now she's singing:

And I know you love me! Love me for who I am, cause years before I became who I am. Baby you were my man! I know it ain't easy! Easy loving me! I appreciate the love and dedication from you to me! Later on in my destiny I see myself having your child! I see myself being your wife and I see my whole future in your eyes! Thought of all my love for you sometimes make me wanna cry!

On top of this - she began to do a strip tease around me - undulating against the door, spanking herself, practically screaming the lyrics by now to the point that her voice was cracking and removes her bandanna from her hair and begins to use as if it were a feather boa tickling my neck, ears and nose (mind you this girl and that bandanna were no sight to behold). As you can imagine, I was so relieved to see my subway stop! I rushed past her to get out! Sadly, I CAN think of times I was more relieved to get off a subway car (like the time I was the only other person foolish enough to get on a seemingly empty subway car that actually held a lone homeless man reeking so badly of piss and god knows what else that I nearly suffocated - but that's another story). I was so red in the face from this girl, I had to be burning. It was on a whole new plane of crazy. The girl was freaking cray - zay! But, it all made for a pretty good story. Don't you just love New York 's mentally ill population?

Now, please enjoy Beyonce (herself) sing the whole crazy song. Sadly, it's no less insane coming from her, especially with this crazy cinnamon-bun hair and enormous funereal corsage: