You guys, I never blog...

Whoa, you guys, I haven't blogged since June 2010! Do you know how much has happened since June 2010?! Maybe that's why I haven't blogged since June 2010... on second thought, you guys should probably be really happy for me for NOT blogging since June 2010. That means, instead of writing to all you miserable people, I was out partying in N-Y-C, yo! I was clubbin' it up to the latest Kesha song.

Staying out late hittin' the latest nightspots - the one with the live ponies, that one with seesaws, that other one that serves sugarless cotton candy (uh, huh, totally

disgusting). Doing lines of Cocaine off Penn Badgley's abs (he's a really sweet kid, but a little bit of a pushover). Having pancakes after hours at Per Se (their cherry-infused syrup is amah-zing). I mean, I was totally doing that through the rest of 2010, all of 2011 and the first 24 days of 2012. And then, Oprah called me.

Yes, friends. Today, Oprah called me and I said: Oprah? Is that you?

And she said: Hey girl, we need to talk.

Me: For real? Oprah? What's up?

O: We have a problem.

Me: What's wrong, O? Is Gail "missing" again? I

can totally go back to Bolivia again if need be.

O: No Daniel, this is about you. I want you to tell me one thing.

(long pause)

Me: Yes?

O: Are you living your best life?

(longer pause)

O: Mm - hmm. I know. I know. See, Dan, when I met you in June of 2010 and invited to you to join me on a journey of self-reflection and self-affirmation, I didn't invite you to join the dregs of society. I invited you to explore parts of yourself you could never know. Spending your days in

slumber and your nights in sin does not a centered young man make. Daniel, when I made a promise to bring you to your best life, I invited you to climb aboard a magic carpet of self-discovery. But today, we are far from that destination and I fear it's too late to turn around.

D: But, O -

O: No. Don't speak. Words cannot bring you to your best life alone. It takes action and it takes willpower. You must blog again, Daniel. You must find express yourself in words and in words you will find your true self. Refine those words and your best life will ascend like a phoenix... from the fire... into your soul... and into the eyes of the world.

D: Wha?

O: Hush. Hush and think about the mission I have given to you. I know you will heed my words, because I am Oprah and I know you can find yourself, again, on the path to your best life.

D: I'm humbled, Oprah. I don't know -

O: I know. I know. Well, next I'm speaking to Gabourey Sidibe, so I'll leave you now, but know

this: You is kind, you is smart, you is important.

D: Ok, now you're just quoting The Help.

O: I loved that movie.

D: Eh, it was OK. I mean, I put it above Fried Green Tomatoes, but below Steel Magnolias.

O: That's fair.

D: Thanks.

O: Ok, Daniel, two words I leave you with: Best. Life.

D: I love you, Oprah.

O: Thank you.

And that's how I decided to blog again. Like all great decisions, it began with Oprah. She reminded me that I needed to stop thinking about myself so much and start thinking about how I could start telling people about myself instead. What better medium? Don't say

Twitter. That's f-ing obnoxious. Best life, people! Oprah will make me her next Gabourey Sidibe. It's coming in 2012!